Thoughts about school and other stuff

I was thinking the other day that the Lethbridge College was a lot like high school. There are a lot of lockers, it's a small campus, and according to some of the instructors, a lot of the students are about as motivated as your typical high school student. I found something today that only cements my theory. Some one had written on one of the tables in the Centre Core, "School Sucks!". My first response to that is, "Why are you here, then"? I would like to think that College students are more mature than your usual vandalizer, and that they are making the choice to be at school. Say what you will about the students in our program, at least none of them are writing all over the school.

Well, on a more personal note, today is poetry day!! I wrote a poem yesterday, but I am not really satisfied with the first stanza. It doesn't seem to go with the rest of the poem. Hmm. I am going to put the working copy here, so you can see the creative process (or whatever), and then next week I will include the edited, revised, possible totally different version. No title yet...but then again, I am really bad at thinking of titles.

Enjoy!

I haven’t written for days-
My paper is cold and empty
(like your heart)

I tried exploring there
Tried to excavate
beneath the cool exterior

I wanted to feel the beating
bleeding chaos that you
hide so quietly

But my search was futile-
The messes you’ve left
Lie deeper than even your heart.

You have buried them in the earth-
Reached into the dirt and
Pushed them down

An offering for her heart.

A day in the life

The other day a friend asked me if I liked my job because it was different all the time. I realized that this is exactly why I like my job. While working with a variety of different people (students, instructors, the other members of my team), there is always something new and different happening.

Sometimes they are frustrating or negative events such as a student who feels like he needs to yell at me every time I suggest he do some homework. This same student loses or forgets his keys at least twice a month, and so I am on excellent terms with the security and information people, which is where he inevitably goes to panic. (He knows that if he comes and lets me know, that I have an extra key to his locker, I won't get that upset or worried, and heaven help us all, he loves the drama!)

On the other hand, sometimes I have a really great conversation with instructors about how much they like having one of the students in their classes. Sometimes I get to sit down with the other people I work with and hash out a specific problem one of us may be having. I get to see our students when they finish a long and complicated assignment (one in which I have usually invested a lot of time and effort myself), submit it, and get some great feedback. The pride and accomplishment that this brings makes every day worth it.

I spent years working in retail where money is god, the bottom line, and the final goal. I always wanted to work in a job where I actually helped people, made a difference. Now that I am there, I find it extremely rewarding.

So, bring on the challenges. They may want to make me tear my hair out, but at least they keep things interesting.

Looking ahead

So, I think the New Year is shapin' up pretty good. Ashley's wedding is coming up in May, and we are looking forward to that. Denise has a job, so she can start buying work clothes and competing for most stylish in the office again. (I already know she will win!) My parents are planing a big move to the great white north which they have wanted to do for many years. Our friend Travis is in school, with plans for even more education. I myself have applied to grad school in far off places, and have also set a life contingency plan in place if I don't get in.

This is a year for positivity. This is a year for moving forward. This is a year of independence. I am pretty excited, aren't you?

Recently, Laura commented on one of my favorite songs from my 2009 Year in Review cd, "The Sun will Rise" by Brendan James. The words are extremely apropos for the 2010 outlook:


The sun will rise the sun will save me
The sun will change me change the way I feel
The day will make this heart a fortune from the fruit of a hundred orchards
From the water rivers bring

The sun will rise the sun will save me from the night the sun will change me
Change the way I feel
I've had enough of the hard and harder times are tough and I've drifted farther
Farther from myself

I won't dwell baby on my failures
It won't help baby it won't bring changes
I won't run baby when all I want is to run
I won't forget the morning's sure to come

The sun will rise the sun will save me,from the night the sun will change me
Change the way I feel
The love I want the love I need is sure to come is sure to lead me
Lead me home again

The light is low the night is burning, my head is still but my mind is turning
Turning round again
If only I can make it through this lonely night if I can do this
If I can drift away

Then the sun will rise the sun will save me from the night the sun will change me
Change the way I feel

I live only to amuse others

So, here is a story from yesterday:

I was leaving the library when I saw who I thought was Ed Stelmach sitting at a table in the Centre Core. I can tell you, I was pretty darn excited. I went back into the library and asked the ladies if they knew who the gentleman sitting out there was. They told me it was Glenn Secretan, who is an instructor here at the College. I told them I thought it was the premier, and they got a pretty good laugh about that. But, seriously. He looks just like him.

I can't decide if this is a failing of my eyes, my good sense, or my ability to recognize our esteemed provincial leader. It could just be my insatiable desire to see a celebrity, any celebrity.

Whatever the reason, I at least gave the librarians a bright spot in their day.

Stuck in the Middle...with you?

So, here is a story from the weekend:

I was convinced by some of the ladies in my ward to attend the 31+ Activity on Friday night. It was a Games night, and so I went with a positive attitude and my very cutest shirt. Unfortunately, the games turned out to be a 1965 version of Scrabble, a 1943 version of Tile Rummy, and a not so rousing game of volley-ball. Now, let me illustrate to you my feelings of the volley-ball: More horrifying than a trip to the dentist, but not as awful as basketball. I somehow ended up playing, and as per usual, embarrassed myself fully. The best part of the game, nay, the night, was the gentleman who was always right behind me on the court. Every time he served, he would almost hit me with the ball, then come up and apologize whilst touching me. (Coincidence? I think not.) I kept thinking that he looked familiar, but I couldn't place his face. It wasn't until later, when I heard his name, that I realized he used to be a good friend's step-dad. Not only that, but his marital hi-jinks make Charlie Sheen, Spencer Pratt and every other dead-beat husband look like a knight in shining armor. Yeah.

The other man I met told me that he and my mom were in Institute together (yeah, that's gonna win points) and asked me some pretty personal questions about her.

In case I have not said it before, I am saying it now. I am done with those activities. Like dinner, yesterday's news, whatever. I am not giving up, I am just taking a break. Focusing on other stuff. Going back to younger men.

Does anyone want to come over for a viewing of "17 Again"?

"No regrets, no looking back, no good-byes"

So here it is: my track list for the 2009 Year in Review cd. After much debate, personal struggle, hair tearing, and battles with computers / itunes, I finally have chosen the songs that reflect my life this year. Good news, chilins, there are hopeful songs as well as ones that just might make you want to kill your self.

I discovered a truism this time around: the music really does pick you. I had so many ideas of how I wanted the cd to look, but certain songs just held on and would not be ignored. Only now, as I am giving it a listen from beginning to end, am I hearing some lines that I never noticed before.

So, if you get a chance, take a listen to any and all of these songs. They are all-age appropriate, so listen without guilty conscience. Who knows, you just may find some truth yourself. At least you will discover some pretty wonderful music.

"The Later Years...
...time to put away childish things"

1. Don't Stop Believin' - Glee Cast
2. No Envy, No Fear - Joshua Radin
3. Everyday People - Sly and the Family Stone
4. Incandescent - Rob Szabo
5. The Underdog - Spoon
6. All we ever do is say Goodbye - Jon Mayer
7. Puttin' on the Ritz - Fred Astaire
8. The Sun will Rise - Brendan James
9. Sleepwalkin' - The Good Lovelies
10. A Place called Home - Kim Richey
11. This is the Last Time - Keane
12. Cathedrals - Jump, Little Children
13. The Great Collapse - The Zolas
14. Where we gonna go from here? - Mat Kearney
15. Eyes - Rogue Wave
16. Come Thou Fount - Sufjan Stevens

You might not want to read this one...

I spent the other night doing something extremely self-destructive. At fist glance, it didn't seem to be so harmful, more like a casual stroll down the yesterday road, but memory is a very powerful thing. (I really hope that you're interest is peaked with this ridiculous build-up!)

I was at my parents house about a week ago, and my dad found my "special box" for me to go through. As I pulled out various pictures and keepsakes, I was bombarded with memories and feelings. Some of the items included: a recorder I got from my parents when I was in grade three, my handkerchief that I embroidered for the Cardston Temple dedication, a large green bottle that I have no memory of purchasing, a stuffed raccoon that had Jessica's name on it (oops!), many report cards from elementary and junior high school class pictures, and the best discovery of all, my journals from junior high and high school.

I took my journals downstairs with me to read before bed. I hoped to have a good laugh at my angsty rants and endless descriptions of boys who I liked. I was not disappointed with the latter. Each entry from junior high was filled with Baby-sitter's Club-like descriptions of the boy that I was obsessed with. Yes, obsessed. The saddest part was that I would describe every minute encounter with a boy, especially the one in question, in great detail. Unfortunately, due to my crippling shyness with the opposite sex in junior high, the meaningful moments almost always went a little like this:

"Today I saw (boy in question, I am sure Andrea will know who I am referring to) and he looked at me." There was never much more that this. Maybe a prolonged look after which we both "flicked our eyes away", a la The Fascinating Girl. I also ended each entry by writing, "I hope (boy in question) likes me.

Really? Really?

While Junior High merely made me want to vomit, High School was a little more thought-provoking. By then, my writing skills were somewhat more improved, but I expressed a lot of feelings which I have hoped never to feel again. In High School, I spent a lot of time being jealous of friends who always seemed to have no trouble dating, and my feelings of being left-out and left behind came rushing back. As I look at myself today, I like to think that I am a somewhat successful and self-adjusted adult who feels fulfilled with the life she has chosen / been blessed with. Unfortunately, that self-conscious and disappointed girl is there, just under the surface. She usually stays pretty hidden, but as I read through my experiences from that time, she came to the fore-front, and I am having a very difficult time keeping her at bay. As much as I would like to be happy with being single, sometimes I can't let go of those feelings of everyone else moving ahead with their lives, while I am left behind.

I think the moral of the story is to keep the readings to a minimum, and remember that I had a pretty great time in High School. I had some amazing friends, and I started a life-long friendship with my sister, Andrea. How grateful I was for her friendship then, and throughout the years.

I am considering instituting a regular series here on the blog, which would include excerpts from the slightly less embarrassing Junior High posts.

Is anyone interested?