Questions: Why do I persist in banging my head against a brick wall? Do I like the pain? Am I doing it to "feel alive"? Do I really think that this time it will actually feel like someone is kissing me on the forehead, as opposed to what it actually would feel like- hitting me repeatedly with a whiffle bat?
The answers, my dear readers, are few, but poignant.
1. Fear. Yes, I am comfortable with situations as they are, even if I am making myself insane. It scares me to think about meeting new people, trying new experiences, and even...being alone.
2. Something is better than nothing...or is it? It didn't use to be. I used to be what I thought was a strong independent woman who didn't need a relationship to feel fulfilled. Suddenly, I am crazy - jealous, desperate (I'll admit it!!), and trying to push something that will never happen.
3. Newsflash: I am an attention-whore. 'Nuff said.
So its time to stop being afraid...and just be awesome!! (Thanks Barney) If burning things is the answer, then bring on the self-actualization exercises!! I am ready to be alone...I think.
O.k., enough emotional baggage for one post. Actually, there is probably enough in here for a week's worth. This week was a strange adjustment. It was weird to not go to FHE, and although I threw myself off the map quite willingly, it is going to be quite a transition from YSA world of socialization to current outer realms of...non-socialization.
On the plans for the future front, I am studying like a demon this week for the second writing of the LSAT, and I am sending off a Law School application this week. (The other one isn't due until March 1st, so I think I'll spread them out a bit to counteract the fee situation.)
I think its time to end this emo/dis-jointed post before anyone actually reads it and writes me of as completely nuts.
Probably too late.
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